I am not one to send things back at restaurants or complain at customer service counters. My food at a restaurant could be brought to the table freezing cold and I would still struggle to express displeasure to the waitress. As the hilarious John Mulaney once said, “you could pour soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you.” I never want to be a bother or a problem or a nuisance. I am a textbook people pleaser.
The problem with people-pleasing your way through life, your way through relationships, is that you create a habit of rolling over and being complacent. Yielding to others at most, if not all turns, simply to avoid confrontation.
In the past, many of my relationships, platonic and otherwise, have been built on my yielding, on me remaining silent. Words like “sure”, “that’s fine”, and “I don’t care” littered my vocabulary in moments when things were not fine and I did care. Yes, I’ll cancel all of my plans and stay in even though I was looking forward to going. Yes, you can say that mean thing to me. Yes, it’s not a big deal. Yeah, let’s go to this bar when I had plans to meet friends at another. People-pleasing varies in severity for me, but it is always the abandonment of myself to keep the person I’m trying to please in my life.
Not everyone can get their way. I know that. But one person cannot always be the one to give up what they want to appease the other. You cannot have one Yes Man in a relationship because trust me, that Yes Man will grow exhausted, frustrated, and eventually resentful. Relationships require compromise. I am not by any means saying stop compromising. I’m saying start compromising. One person completely surrendering to give the other what they want, is not a compromise. A compromise is when both parties mutually give up something to reach an agreement.
So how do we Yes Men stop saying yes? How do we say no?
Sure, I have this voice and I’m pretty sure it can put together the sounds of an “n” and an “o” to spew the word, but it so rarely does. And even worse, when it does, it doesn’t even sound like my voice. Don’t you hate that? When you are so ready to be firm and stand your ground and your real voice turns into this mouse-like noise that squeaks no’s in a way that is already apologizing. This fear, this fear of confrontation, creeps in and makes me lose my nerve. The ‘no’ breaks down in strength faster than it can be rebuilt as I start to wonder if maybe this no will be a deal-breaker for the other person. Maybe me saying no at this turn will change how they view me on every turn hereafter.
“You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.”
I’m here to tell you that that fear is wrong. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to disagree. God did not give you a phenomenal brain and a unique voice so you could stay silent and be walked all over your entire life. People don’t expect you to agree with them at every turn and if they do, you don’t want those people in your life. Healthy relationships and healthy friendships (people always forget about friendships, but some of our most toxic encounters happen in friendships) require compromise, require honesty about each person’s feelings and beliefs and opinions. How can you expect to grow truly and honestly close to someone if they never get to hear your opinion or thoughts?
On a lighter note, sometimes saying no gives you the time to rest that you so desperately need. Constantly saying yes to every invite and every outing can become draining after a while. Even when it feels difficult to turn down the exciting invitation, even when it feels like you might die of FOMO, give yourself some time to rest.
I will candidly admit that this habit is a hard one to unlearn and even when I actively try to speak my mind and not just people please to protect the peace, the fear does still find me at times. In those moments when the fear creeps in, I try to remember that no is a necessary word and confrontation is just a tool. It’s a tool for sticking up for yourself and growing deeper in the relationship that you’re in. Confrontation or difficult conversations uncover so much wealth. They provide clarity and understanding. They establish boundaries and standards. On the opposite side of confrontation, we can gain closeness and peace if we’re willing to step into a confrontation with an open heart and respectful words. Real, healthy relationships and friendships can go through confrontations and come out the other side of them healthier and stronger. If you can shift your perspective of confrontation from a negative thing that could take things away from you and instead view it as a positive that holds the potential of giving you things, that’s where you will overcome the fear.
You can remain kind and gentle, but be firm when you need to. Be firm when it comes to what you want, when it comes to what you need, when it comes to how you want to be treated. When you need to say no, say no.
Love always,
